Somedays are easy. Some days are hard, and some days I feel just aren't worth the energy. I am 46 years old and always felt different. Two years ago, I was tired of feeling like the different one and decided to talk to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me. After several tests and talking with a psychiatrist, turns out I have ADHD.
When I was younger, my parents were concerned that I had some form of hyperactivity issues and took me to a doctor to have tested. Went through all the tests just to have my parents be told that there was nothing wrong with me and that I probably just need to be spanked more. Forty years later, here I am struggling with life, emotions, family relationships, and dating.
For 40 years, I was told that my behavior is just bad behavior and the problem was me. I was too much. I cried too much. I got angry too much. I needed to fix my behavior. No matter what I did to fix myself, nothing ever changed. I learned to bottle myself up inside. I struggled daily to fix me. I struggled to hide myself away. AND I STILL DO IT! I still close myself off because someone might see me and judge me and critisize me for my behavior no matter how much I work to hide my behavioral issues.
I'm tired of not being comfortable in my own skin. I'm exhausted from bottling up and trying to make myself "small". I'm not really sure what this will mean for me and my future. I am educating myself about ADHD and all that it entails. I am finding that I have many common symptoms and learning how to work with my ADHD and not against it. Procrastination and anxiety are 2 of the biggest issues in my life. I get overwhelmed by my messy room and struggle to find the motivation to get it clean and keep it clean. I get anxiety when I am nagged about my room. No matter how I explain things to my family about my issue it is dismissed, and I am told to just get over it and do what I need to do. I feel the most dismissed by my family. No matter what I share with them they make me question if my ADHD is real. Are my symptoms all "in my head", or are they real?
I guess it's time for more research. :)
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